Sentinel Fairy Tales
by crankyhermit
Summary: Five gen TS fairy tale parodies originally posted to the Sentinelangst list, but with minimal angst.
1. Rapunzel

Set of five stories, written at different times. First posted to the Sentinelangst list way back in I don't know when.

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BLAIRPUNZEL

Once upon a time, deep in the jungles of Peru, there lived a shaman and his wife who were very unhappy because they had no children. These good people had a little window at the back of their hut, which looked into the most lovely farm, full of all manner of beautiful cows and vegetables; but the garden was surrounded by a high wall, and no one dared to enter it, for it belonged to a witch of great flakiness, who was feared by the whole world.

One day the woman stood at the window overlooking the garden, and saw there the finest cow she had ever seen; the animal looked so plump and healthy that she longed to eat its tongue. The desire grew day by day, and just because she knew she couldn't possibly get it, she pined away and became quite pale and wretched. Then her husband grew alarmed and said:

"What ails you, dear wife?"

"Oh, Incacha," she answered, "if I don't get some tongue to eat out of the garden behind the house, I know I shall die."

The shaman, who loved her dearly, thought to himself, "Come! rather than let your wife die you shall fetch her some tongue, no matter the cost." So at dusk he climbed over the wall into the witch's garden, and, hastily killing the cow and obtaining the desired tongue before he hid the carcass, he returned to his wife. She boiled the tongue, which tasted so good that her longing for the forbidden food was greater than ever. If she were to know any peace of mind, there was nothing for it but that her husband should climb over the garden wall again, and fetch her some more. So at dusk over he got, but when he reached the other side he drew back in terror, for there, standing before him, was the Neo-Hippie Witch Naomi Sandburg.

"How dare you," she said, with a wrathful glance at the enormous mound where the murdered cow lay buried, "climb into my garden and kill my cow just for its tongue? You shall suffer for your wastefulness."

"Oh!" Incacha implored, "pardon my presumption; necessity alone drove me to the deed. My wife saw your cow from her window, and conceived such a desire for tongue that she would certainly have died if her wish had not been gratified." Then the Neo-Hippie Witch's anger was a little appeased, and she said:

"If it's as you say, you may take as much tongue away with you as you like, but on one condition only -- that you give me the child your wife will shortly bring into the world. All shall go well with it, and I will look after it like a mother."

The shaman in his terror agreed to everything she asked, and as soon as the child was born Naomi appeared, and having given it the name of Blair, which means "one who loves tongue"(1), she carried it off with her.

(1) Yes, I know it doesn't mean that, but for the purposes of the story let's pretend it does.

Blair was the most beautiful (and energetic, and talkative) child under the sun. When he was sixteen years old, the Neo-Hippie Witch, to give herself a rest, shut him up in a great ivory tower, in the middle of Academia, and the tower had neither stairs nor doors, only high up at the very top a small window. When Naomi wanted to get in, she stood underneath and called out:

"Blair, Blair,   
Let down your hair,"

for she loved his long, curly brown hair, and he had the unfortunate custom of tying it in a ponytail to keep it out of his face while he studied his books. Whenever Blair heard her voice, he loosed his ponytail and threw a rope ladder down to her, taking care to avoid looking down, for he had a terrible fear of heights.

After they had lived like this for a few years, it happened one day that a Detective of Major Crimes, Jim Ellison, was driving through the hospitals of Academia and passed by the tower. As he drew near it, his head pounding from his uncontrollable senses, he heard someone reading aloud from a monograph about Sentinels by Richard Burton (the explorer not the actor), and it explained his condition so clearly that he stood still spell-bound, and listened. It was Blair in his loneliness trying to while away the time by talking to himself. The Detective longed to see the owner of the voice, but he sought in vain for a door in the tower. He drove home, but he was so haunted by the new information he had heard that he returned every day to the tower and listened. One day, when he was standing thus behind a tree, he saw the Neo-Hippie Witch approach and heard her call out:

"Blair, Blair,  
Let down your hair."

Then Blair dropped the rope ladder, and the Neo-Hippie Witch climbed up.

"So that's the staircase, is it?" said Jim. "Then I too will climb it and try my luck."

So on the following day, at dusk, he went to the foot of the tower and cried:

"Blair, Blair,  
Let down your hair,"

and as soon as he had let it down the Detective climbed up.

At first Blair was terribly excited when the Sentinel came in, for he had never seen one before; but the Detective was so frustrated by his babbling that he threw Blair up against the wall and demanded he start making sense and explain what was wrong with his senses. Very soon Blair forgot his delight, seeing Jim's fear, and when he offered to help Jim with his senses the Sentinel consented dubiously. 'For,' Jim thought, 'he is young and flaky, and may lose interest in me shortly, but I have no choice, it seems.' So he put Blair down and said:

"All right, I will let you test me and ride along with me on my job, only how are you to get down out of the tower? Every time you come to the window you turn pale and get sick."

They arranged that till Blair could get over his acrophobia, Jim was to come to him every evening to work with his senses, because Naomi was with him during the day. Naomi, of course, knew nothing of what was going on, till one day Blair, not thinking of what he was about, turned to the Neo-Hippie Witch and said: 

"Naomi, don't you have anything better to talk about than flaky psychics? Jim always has so many wonderful stories to tell about the car chases he goes on and the serial murderers he hunts as a Detective of Major Crimes. Man, what a rush it is to hear him."

"Oh! you wicked child," cried the Neo-Hippie Witch. "What is this I hear? I thought I had hidden you safely from the whole world, and in spite of it you have managed to deceive me."

In her wrath she seized Blair and took him to a monastery, and there left him to meditate and get rid of the negative vibes.

But on the evening of the day in which she had taken poor Blair away, the Neo-Hippie Witch burnt all the sage she could lay her hands on, and when the Detective came and called out:

"Blair, Blair,  
Let down your hair,"

she let the rope ladder down, and Jim climbed up as usual, but instead of his friend and guide Blair, he found the Neo-Hippie Witch Naomi Sandburg, who fanned the sage smoke in his face, and cried:

"You pig! I'm cleansing away the bad vibes you brought in, and Blair is safely away from your evil influence now!"

"Argh, my eyes!" cried Jim as he sneezed, and in his confusion he jumped right down from the tower. Fortunately, being an action hero, he escaped without a scratch, though his eyes and nose were so irritated by the sage he couldn't see, nor could he stop sneezing. Then he wandered, blind and miserable, with no means of getting himself back to Major Crimes, or finding Blair to help him. 

Of a sudden he heard a voice which seemed strangely familiar to him. He walked eagerly in the direction of the sound, and when he was quite close, Blair recognized him and rushed to him, seeing his red eyes and dripping nose. "Jim! You've got to dial it down and filter it out!" Jim followed the instructions, and in a moment his allergies got under control again, and he saw as well as he had ever done. Then he led Blair to Major Crimes, where they were received and welcomed with great skepticism by Jim's Captain, Simon Banks, and they lived happily ever after.

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THE END 


	2. Sleeping Beauty

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ZONING SENTINEL

Once upon a time, in the great city of Cascade, there lived a Captain of Major Crimes, Simon Banks, and his best detective, Jack Pendergrast. They longed desperately for a Sentinel, so much that their emotions cannot be expressed, for Cascade was the most dangerous city in America, and they needed a Sentinel's assistance urgently. 

At last, a Sentinel transferred into their department. There was a very fine celebration involving a terrific crime wave which the new Sentinel easily put down, and he acquired a wonderful new trait from each nutty criminal he arrested, as was the custom for those days. By this means the Sentinel had all the perfections imaginable.

From David Lash the Sentinel acquired a taste for strange and unseemly dress; from Dan Freeman he acquired the habit of slamming people into walls; from Veronica Sarris he learned the joys of dropping his gun; from Laura a lifelong love of lady criminals, and there were many other wonderful gifts as well, such as the ability to clench his jaws without breaking any teeth, and shooting deadly lasers from his icy blue eyes. All the cops, or at least those who were his friends, were much delighted.

Alas, the Sentinel's father was much displeased, having wanted him to become a businessman like himself, and take over the company when he retired. Thus William Ellison came, and declared that the Sentinel would develop the abnormal desire to become perfect-ly normal(impossible though the task might seem), and repress his abilities to such an extent that he would lose all control of them and zone himself to death. This terrible gift made the whole company tremble, and everybody fell a-crying. 

At this very instant a visiting Neo-Hippie Witch, Naomi Sandburg came out from behind the hangings, and spoke these words aloud:

"Assure yourselves, Captain Banks and Detective Pendergrast, that your Sentinel shall not die of this disaster. It is true, I have no power to undo entirely what William has done. The Sentinel shall indeed zone uncontrollably; but, instead of dying, he shall only fall into a profound zone, which shall last a hundred years, or until he tastes of that which he loves most, whichever comes first." (Be brave! It isn't slash!)

Captain Banks, wishing to avert the misfortune, caused immediately proclamation to be made, whereby everybody was forbidden, on pain of being hollered at by him and made to drink his flavored coffees(indeed a fate worse than death), to suggest in any way that the Sentinel's abilities were anything out of the ordinary, or so much as even to mention their existence. Nevertheless, a few years later, while he was out investigating a troublesome case with a visiting Inspector from Australia, he chanced upon a tiny, tiny clue, and said, as was his wont:

"Do you see that?"

Naturally, Inspector Connor, who had heard nothing of the Captain's threats (since who could have told her without the Sentinel finding out about it?), responded:

"See what?"

The Sentinel then took a closer look, finally realizing the flyspeck of a clue was invisible to NORMAL eyes, and immediately zoned.

The horrified Inspector cried out for help, having no idea what to do. People came in from every department in the Cascade PD in great numbers; they threw water upon the Sentinel's face, ripped open his shirt, smacked his face and gave him smelling salts; but nothing would bring him out of the zone.

And now the Captain, who came up at the noise, bethought himself of William's curse, and, judging very well that this must necessarily come to pass, since it already had, caused the Sentinel to be carried into the hospital, and put on a drip (for though the Neo-Hippie Witch had made no mention of it, nobody who knew her failed to doubt that she had actually considered the problem of keeping the Sentinel alive for the necessary hundred years).

All thought then of Naomi's condition, that the Sentinel must taste of that which he most loved before he would awake, or zone a hundred years, whichever came first, and began to argue over what the Sentinel most loved. "Break-room coffee!" declared one. "Wonderburgers!" insisted another. "Kevlar vests!" cried a third, but since she was the one who had ripped open his shirt they paid her no heed.

Many were the chefs, doctors and alternative practitioners who came to attempt to rouse him. They brought all manner of mild and pleasant things, edible or otherwise, for him to taste, but all to no account. Finally, in exasperation, Captain Banks chased them out of the ward, and they adjourned to his office to consider other possible interpretations of Naomi's words, such as the "that" being a "whom." "Criminally-inclined redheads?" suggested the Captain of the Bomb Squad next door.

It was agreed that this was a very real possibility, but where could they find a criminally-inclined redhead who would be willing to attempt to wake the Sentinel? Nevertheless, the proclamation was made, and more criminally-inclined redheads turned up than might reasonably expected. They looked, however, at the icy blue stare (intimidating even if blank), strange dress, clenched jaw and other assorted attributes, and hastily excused themselves. 

Finally, after a long while, came a strange little Neo-Hippie Witch-Doctor Punk, who took one look and was utterly delighted to have found a real Sentinel, zoned, not even noticing the alarming traits that had frightened off all the others(for he had several of his own), and declared:

"I know just the way to bring him out!"

But the others were doubtful of his ability in that respect, for he was hardly a criminally-inclined red-head, and declined to let him try. Undeterred, he stole a doctor's white coat and bounced in unhindered.

He came up to the bed cheerfully, and -

(don't panic!)

popped a peppercorn into the zoned Sentinel's mouth.

Everyone was horrified. Just as Captain Banks was drawing in his breath to holler the Neo-Hippie Flower Child out, the Sentinel sat up with an undignified screech:

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!! I'VE BEEN POISONED!!!" 

and grabbed for the pitcher of water by his bed.

"But-but Naomi said-" sputtered the astonished Captain, at a loss for words.

"Piffle," said Blair Sandburg, for that was the Neo-Hippie Witch-Doctor Punk's name. "What does she know about Sentinels?"

And with that, Blair settled down happily to study the Sentinel to his heart's content, and they were moderately happy together (with the odd flare-up) to the end of their days.

****

THE END


	3. Beauty and the Beast

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SENTINEL AND THE NEO-HIPPIE RESEARCHER

Once upon a time, there was a Captain of the Major Crimes department in the Cascade PD, who had under him three Detectives, who were invaluable to him, since Cascade was a city much afflicted by Major Crimes. Now it happened that he had to go to a police conference in a distant city, and as he was just leaving he said to them, "Anything you want me to bring back?"

Rafe, the immaculately groomed one, wanted a new Armani suit; his partner Brown thought a weight-loss program which would allow him to eat as he liked without needing to exercise would be great; but his best detective Ellison, a Sentinel, only said, "Just get back here as soon as possible, Simon."

"It's on the expenses account, you know," remarked Simon cheerfully. "How about some good coffee?"

"No!" said Ellison a little hastily, then he thought for a moment. "How about white-noise generating ear-plugs?" For his hearing had been troubling him since his last check-up.

So the Captain went on his journey and slept through most of the conference, since much of it was irrelevant to Cascade, which was by far more dangerous than any of the normal cities involved. He bought the Armani suit and signed Detective Brown up for a reputable weight-loss program, but could not find white-noise generators of any type, much less in ear-plug form, and settled for rubber plugs instead, hoping they would satisfy Ellison.

When the conference finally ended, he set off on the long drive home, quite pleased with himself, until his car developed a flat tire, just as dark clouds covered the sky and thunder rumbled ominously. He sought for shelter, but all he could find was a dilapidated warehouse with a caged monkey in it watching television. He wandered around inside, calling for the tenant, but received no answer save for the snapping of mouse-traps, and made himself as comfortable as he could get, what with the dingy furnishings and boxes stacked all in one corner. As the threatened storm finally broke and temperatures plummeted, he went to the fridge and got himself a beer and some leftovers that still looked relatively fresh.

In the morning, he went out to change the tire, but found that it had already been done. "Thanks," he called to the monkey, feeling a little silly. But just as he was leaving, what should he see but an entire catalogue of white-noise generators spread out on the bed he had used last night! Doubting the evidence of his eyes, but wanting very much to get Ellison what he wanted, for the Sentinel was given to denying problems as far as possible, and probably needed them desperately if he was willing to ask, he sorted through the little devices, and finally found a pair that suited Ellison's specifications(that is, they were in the form of ear-plugs). But the instant he picked them out, he was confronted by the most dreadful of sights: a little Neo-Hippie Flower Child, who had on a pair of glasses and a doctor's white coat, and was engaged in scribbling on a notepad. 

"Hey," said the Neo-Hippie Researcher when he finally looked up and saw the Captain, who could only stand there, frozen in terror. "You're a cop, right? I'm Blair Sandburg, and I'm looking for a thesis subject; can I join your department as an observer? I've always wanted to study the closed society of the pigs-sorry, police force, you know the thin blue line, all that? It's for my doctorate in anthropology, you see, and I think it's only fair, since you've slept in my bed, drunk my beer, eaten my pizza and taken my white-noise generators--those are really expensive, by the way, and I've fixed your car up too, so when do I come in and get the paperwork done?"

By the time Blair finished speaking, the Captain's head was spinning, only half from the deluge of words, and he knew IA would have a field day if he took out his gun and shot the annoying civilian. All he knew was that he could not, under any circumstances, allow the Neo-Hippie Researcher into his Department. He already had enough trouble keeping his detectives in line as it was without adding this-this..._this_ into the mix.

"I can't do that!" he protested as soon as he had found his voice.

"But-but," cried Blair, tears welling up in his big blue eyes as he drew the monkey out from its cage into his arms like a baby, "I need to find a subject for my thesis soon, or they'll withdraw my grant, and Larry and I won't be able to afford this place any more! And you did take my white-noise generators without asking too--"

Alarmed at the suggestion that he might be considered a thief, Captain Banks tried explain himself immediately. "I only took them because my Sentinel needed them urgently, and I would have paid for them, if only I could find someone to pay," he pleaded, but he'd lost Blair's attention by then, for the Neo-Hippie Researcher's eyes were now shining in delight.

"A real live Sentinel? You mean you actually have one? I've been looking for a Sentinel all my life! Could I borrow it to study, please?" begged the Neo-Hippie Researcher, and the Captain had not the heart to refuse him twice. So it was agreed that the Captain would leave without the Neo-Hippie Researcher, on the condition that he brought the Sentinel back with him, and they took leave of each other highly pleased with the arrangement.

When he got back to the bullpen, the detectives were at first delighted with their gifts, until they learned of the terrible bargain he had struck with the Neo-Hippie Researcher.

"You bartered Ellison to a Neo-Hippie Researcher for a pair of white-noise generators?" demanded Brown indignantly, as Rafe shook his head, quite aghast at the notion. "How could you? I mean, Captain--"

Ellison didn't hear a thing, being focused on enjoying his wonderful new ear-plugs.

"It was either that, or let him study _us_," sighed the Captain sorrowfully, hating the idea of having to lose his best detective.

"What?" cried Brown then, as Rafe's eyes widened in horror. "Let him have Ellison," he said, and with Rafe's help, he carted the oblivious Sentinel off to the warehouse where the Neo-Hippie Researcher waited.

Oddly enough, apart from a little initial friction as the Neo-Hippie Researcher and the Sentinel got to know each other, once they got accustomed to their new situation, they did get along quite well, and even grew to like each other. Nevertheless, because all good things must come to an end, Ellison began to miss his life of crime-fighting, the poker nights with his Captain and fellow detectives, and the junk food he used to eat whenever he wanted to. Especially the junk food. And so one night, over their usual round of tests, he declared:

"I want to go back."

Poor Blair was terribly shocked, and deathly afraid that the Sentinel would eat himself to a heart attack and never return, but unable to bear seeing him so grumpy, at last assented, after obtaining a promise that Jim (the Sentinel) would return in a week, and watch his diet in the meantime, at least a little. And the Sentinel set off for the PD, with his senses in much better control.

Alas! A week passed, and he enjoyed himself so much, and caught so many insane criminals, that when his fellow detectives begged him to stay just a little longer, he agreed readily, forgetting all about his promise to the poor Neo-Hippie Researcher waiting back at the old warehouse with Larry. A day passed, then another, but on the tenth night from his return, there came a tremendous explosion from the direction of the warehouse.

Quite beside himself with fear for his friend, Jim leapt into his truck and roared back to the warehouse, and words cannot express the relief he felt when he saw the soot-covered Blair and Larry standing outside the warehouse, watching the remains of their home burn. Chastising himself for not being there, and thus having failed to prevent the explosion, he decided to bring them back with him to the PD, and his own home, which though much smaller, had correspondingly smaller mice, much cuter than the ones which had infested Blair's former home. He got an observer position for Blair, so that the Neo-Hippie Researcher could continue to study him, as well as the thin blue line thing he had wanted to do at first, and once the other cops got used to him, they all became friends too, and worked together happily ever after, as long as they refrained from inflicting their more extreme food preferences on each other as far as possible.

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THE END


	4. Hansel and Gretel

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JIMMY AND ALEX

Once upon a time there dwelt on the outskirts of the Cascade forest a businessman, William Ellison, with his wife and two Sentinel children; the boy was Jimmy and the girl Alex. He had always had a hard enough time trying to be the average businessman-next-door, so as not to shock away his clients, but this task was much complicated by the presence of his wife and children, none of whom were anything like normal. As if the Sentinel business wasn't bad enough on its own, little Jimmy had the disturbing habit of switching off the lights and pretending that nobody was home, thus losing him several clients, while his sister Alex...well, let's just say the local pet store did an unusually brisk business. Worst yet, however, was when Grace, his wife, started a rather disreputable sort of business in Spokane you don't really want to know about.

There had been an unusually severe economic slump, and poor William, who had enough on his hands to support them even when everything was going well, was at a loss. A client had recently switched to another company due to Grace's questionable connections; Jimmy had successfully tricked another one who had arrived while he was in the bathroom, and Alex had just done something irretrievable to her latest puppy, an adorable little wolf-like husky he had actually liked. 

"What am I to do?" he demanded of Grace in frustration, not expecting any helpful answer. "The three of you will bankrupt me, and we'll all be thrown into the streets to beg!"

"I'll tell you what, husband," answered Grace coolly. "Early to-morrow morning we'll take the children out camping in the thickest part of the wood, and there abandon them. They won't be able to find their way home, and we shall thus be rid of them."

"That is ridiculous," said William, "they are only part of the problem! I want a divorce, and would rather keep them than you."

"Oh! you ungrateful fool," responded Grace. "If it were not for my sideline you would all have died of starvation by now, and what do they contribute but frustration for both of us?" And she left him no peace till he consented. "But I can't help feeling sorry for the poor children," added William.

It goes without saying that this conversation was overheard by their Sentinel children, of course, and Alex was outraged. "We must kill them before they can act against us," she declared fiercely, and began rummaging for a suitable weapon. " I'm sure we're still in their wills."

"No, no, Alex," said Jimmy, "don't fret yourself. We're Sentinels: they couldn't get rid of us if they tried. Be comforted, my dear little sister, and go to sleep," and they went back to bed again.

At daybreak, even before the sun was up, their mother came and woke the two children: "Get up, you lie-abeds, we're all going camping in the forest." Alex grimaced and started to reach for her water-gun, but subsided at Jimmy's stern look. Then they all set out together on the way to the forest.

When they had reached the middle of the forest William said:

"Now, children, go and fetch a lot of wood, and I'll light a fire that you may not feel cold." Jimmy and Alex heaped up brushwood till they had made a pile nearly the size of a small hill. The brushwood was set fire to, and when the flames leaped high Grace said: "Now lie down at the fire, children, and rest yourselves: we're going to fish at the river; when we've caught enough we'll come back and cook dinner." And the scheming couple took off homewards in a hurry.

Jimmy and Alex, quite unconcerned, spent their day in the woods thoroughly enjoying themselves. They picked berries, zoned on wildflowers, and harassed hapless poachers. When it came close to dinnertime, Jimmy started sniffing their way home, following the scents of Grace's perfume and William's cologne. They arrived just as dinner was served and their parents had to accept their continued presence, though William was slightly relieved that they had returned safely (and not been captured by a circus).

Not long afterward there was again a great economic recession, and the children heard their mother address their father thus in bed one night: "We are on the verge of bankruptcy once more, and when our savings are gone, it's all up with us. The children must be got rid of; we'll lead them deeper into the wood this time, so that they won't be able to find their way out again. There is no other way of saving ourselves."

William's heart smote him heavily, and he thought: "Surely it would be better to live in poverty with one's children!" But his wife wouldn't listen to his arguments, and did nothing but scold and reproach him until he gave in again.

But the children were awake, and had heard the conversation (naturally!). Jimmy restrained Alex once more, and nearly got clouted for his trouble, but at last they went to sleep again in anticipation of another day of camping.

At early dawn Grace came and made the children get up again. They led the children deep into the woods, far deeper than they'd ever gone, in hopes of losing the children, and much deeper than was wise, for once the fire was lit and they set off home, they found that, alas! they were themselves lost, and they meandered round and round in the woods for a good many days until a park ranger found them and brought them home.

Having had their fun, Jimmy and Alex set off sniffing their way home, but got so confused by the myriad twists and turns and loops the path took that they too became utterly lost, and Alex began to cry and blame Jimmy. "See, if you'd let me kill them both we'd be safe and comfortable back home, but now they have managed to lose us for real. What are we to do?"

"Never mind," said Jimmy to Alex, in hopes of forestalling a blow; "we'll find a way out;" but all the same they did not. They wandered about the whole night, and the next day, from morning till evening, but they could not find a path out of the wood. They were very hungry, too, for they had nothing to eat but a few berries they found growing on the ground. And at last they were so tired that their legs refused to carry them any longer, so they lay down under a tree and fell fast asleep.

On the third morning after they had left their father's house they set about their wandering again, but only got deeper and deeper into the wood, and now they felt that if help did not come to them soon they must perish. At midday they saw a great black jaguar crouching on a branch, which growled so like their stomachs that they stopped still and listened to it. 

"Poor thing! He must be just as hungry as we are," sighed Jimmy compassionately. 

"I wonder if we can eat it and sell the fur," mused Alex.

And thus when it bounded off ahead of them, they followed it and came to a great warehouse, where it clambered up and crouched on the roof, still growling.

Jimmy sniffed at the enticing smells that came from the warehouse. "Mm...I smell macaroni and cheese...pizza... And cold egg-rolls!" Without further ado the children kicked the door down, and made short work of whatever food they could lay their hands on, much to the surprise of the Neo-Hippie Witch-Doctor Punk residing therein.

"Why, wherever did you come from, children?" Blair asked as he poured out soft drinks for them, watching them devour his lunch in quite bemused fashion. They were too busy stuffing themselves to answer, and when they were done they crawled into his bed exhausted and fell sound asleep. 

In the morning, when they finally woke for breakfast and told him their sad story, the Witch-Doctor clapped his hands and crowed in excitement: "You're Sentinels! I've been looking for you all my life! Stay with me and let me study you, and return I'll feed and look after you."

Then he looked at them more closely and frowned, for they had been wandering three days in the woods without bathing or changing their clothes, and they smelled horribly. "Come," he said to Jimmy, whose face was especially muddy, for he had done most of the sniffing since Alex was too prone to zoning to do much. "You must take a bath, and Alex, we must test your abilities so as to keep you from getting sensory spikes and zones all the time." Then he seized Jimmy with a hand and carried him to the bathroom, where he filled the bathtub with hot water.

On seeing the bathtub, however, Jimmy squawked in terror, for he had a phobia of deep water, and could only abide showers. Alex, hearing her brother, and seeing the steam rising from the water, misunderstood, which was hardly unexpected given that she had read too many fairy tales.

"You're trying to cook my brother, you vile Witch-Doctor!" she screeched. She clocked Blair on the back of his head with her water-gun, and shoved him headfirst into the tub. They watched as bubbles slowly rose through the water, and, horrified, Jimmy got over his phobia all at once, leapt into the tub after Blair and dragged him out, coughing and spitting water, but thankfully alive and well.

So while Alex was having her turn in the bath, Jimmy and Blair had a private conference under the protection of a white-noise generator, and they agreed that she should be sent to a psychiatric institution for treatment. With that matter resolved, they settled down to live happily ever after.

What of William and Grace? They finally had a normal little boy, Stephen, but eventually Grace took off by herself anyway, and William at last had the relatively normal family he had wanted.

****

THE END


	5. Rumpelstiltskin

****

BLAIRSANDBURG

Once upon a time, in the city of Cascade, deep in the Peruvian jungle, there lived a police captain who had a very capable detective, of whom he was excessively proud. There was no crime assigned him he could not solve, and if he dropped his gun and wrecked cars more often than anyone else in the squad, the precinct or even the city, what of it? It only made his successes the more astounding, the odds he overcame that much more improbable. 

One day, as the captain was holding forth on the subject of his detective's amazing skills and luck, he noticed the shaman Incacha pausing to listen, but thought nothing of it and continued his recitation of Jim's unique qualities. It would prove to be a mistake.

"Ellison is really something. Nothing escapes his eyes and ears, and he can sniff out the smallest clue. If only he didn't have such a taste for danger. It seems like he has a touch for picking up the most dangerously unstable ladies sometimes," sighed Captain Banks.

Now, he was speaking in English to a visiting friend, which Incacha didn't quite understand, but the shaman did get the key points, and exclaimed excitedly: "A Sentinel! You must send him to the Temple of the Sentinels to be tested!" He would hear nothing of the captain's protests that he had misunderstood, and was reluctantly obeyed.

When Detective Ellison was brought before him, Incacha led him to a chamber where there lived a great furry black panther, and told him:

"This is the Accursed Spirit Guide of the Sentinels (to be referred to as the ASG hereafter), whose fur is hyperallergenic, so any non-Sentinels, who cannot control their senses, will sneeze their heads off. You must spend a night in here with it, and we'll see if you are still in possession of your head in the morning."

Fortunately, Ellison happened to be a Sentinel. Unfortunately, he had no idea how to control his senses, and couldn't stop sneezing from the instant the door closed. He had almost run out of tissues when suddenly, the door popped open again and a strange little Hippie in colorful motley wandered in, holding a handkerchief over his nose with one hand and a box of Kleenex in another. "Man, that sounds like a really bad cold. Need more of this?"

"Who are you and what are you doing here?" Ellison demanded between sneezes, for Incacha had not told him to expect anyone, and he remained a cop at heart despite his dire straits.

"Who, me?" asked the Hippie in alarm, not having expected the Inquisition. Seeing Ellison growl sniffily, he hastily added: "I'm Doctor McKay. I just dropped by to check on your condition. What's wrong with you?"

"It's that _~sniff~_ great furry _~achoo!~ _beast over there," Ellison waved irritably in the general direction of the ASG as he ripped open the new box of Kleenex. "Incacha _~honk~_ stuck me in here to see if I would sneeze my head off. _~sniffle~_"

Now, the Hippie knew that any normal person would have already sneezed his or her head off by now, so he realized that Ellison had to be a Sentinel, albeit an untrained one. Since he'd always wanted to study Sentinels, he wasted no time in taking advantage of this opportunity.

"Hey, let's make a deal: You promise to let me study you, and I'll teach you how to ignore the fluff."

Desperate to find some way to stop his uncontrollable sneezing, the hapless Detective-cum-Sentinel agreed, and soon it was the Hippie who was sniffling from the proximity of the ASG. The Hippie left him a card and made him promise to call if he needed more help, and so Incacha found the happy Detective curled up and snoozing contentedly with the great furry black panther in the morning.

Pleased but determined not to show it, Incacha pronounced Ellison's next trial in dire tones: "A vile miscreant was seen tossing something into the ASG's chamber while fleeing from Captain Banks' men this morning. We suspect it is the Switchman, but no one dares search the room because of the deadly fur covering the floor. You must find this unidentified flying object quickly, for if it was indeed the Switchman's gift, it will blow up the Temple of the Sentinels." So saying, he closed the door on Ellison once more.

Having only learned to dial down his senses and filter out the fluff, Ellison was at a loss, and decided to call the strange little Hippie for help. The Hippie arrived quite bedraggled and covered in soot, and when he heard the problem, exclaimed: "The Switchman blew up my lodgings last night too! Tell you what, let me stay at your house, and I'll show you how to find your bomb. One week, and I'll be out of your hair, I promise. Please?"

"Whatever, Chief, just help me look for it," Ellison begged with a fearsome scowl on his face.

"Don't look," said the Hippie, "listen. What doesn't belong? Anything ticking or beeping?" 

So he closed his eyes and focused on his hearing. After identifying and discarding the heartbeats of the ASG, the Hippie and himself, Incacha's alarm clock in the next room, an egg-timer in the kitchen and an old watch belonging to the last victim of the ASG, the Detective finally found a bomb with the usual flashing red digits tracking the countdown. "I should have just looked," he groused.

"Well, you did find it," protested the Hippie defensively. "What if it had been one of those old analog timers?"

"It was just lying in the open."

"You didn't know that!"

"I think it's going to explode."

"You think?!"

"Get down!" snapped the Detective, hurling the bomb out the window. He threw himself protectively over the little Hippie as an explosion rocked the Temple, but the building stood.

Once the dust had settled, Incacha peered in cautiously, and seemed relieved to find them both still intact. "Found it? Good. One last task to carry out, Detective Ellison, before you can become Sentinel of the Great City and have the great furry black panther as your spirit guide. You must find the Switchman before he can blow up more things."

"Cool! Let's go get the Switchman!" exclaimed the Hippie cheerfully, but the Detective eyed him with deep suspicion. 

"What do you want?" he demanded warily.

"What do I want?" asked the Hippie, baffled.

"You must want something in exchange. Tell me what you want," insisted the Detective.

"Huh? We've got to go after the Switchman!" said the Hippie, tugging at his arm.

The Detective planted himself firmly in place and refused to budge. "Tell me what you want first!"

"The cat! Whatever! Will you just get moving?"

So, with the help of the Hippie, the Detective managed to track down and capture the Switchman, who turned out to a Switch-_woman_, but that's not important, and there was much rejoicing nevertheless.

But in the midst of the celebrations held in honor of the new Sentinel, he turned and shoved the Accursed Spirit Guide at the Hippie, declaring, "Here is your cat."

"No!" gasped Incacha in dismay, keeling over of a heart attack in his shock. Several of the celebrants hastened to administer CPR.

"Mhraow!" protested the panther, and started shedding fur in distress.

"No!" sneezed the Hippie, trying to back away from the great furry beast.

"Chief, I promised to give you the cat in exchange for your help."

"But I don't want it," pleaded the Hippie. " I was just trying to make you go after the Switchwoman!"

"It was what we agreed on," insisted the Sentinel.

"Tell you what, Jim," suggested the Hippie desperately. "Call me by name, and you can keep your cat."

The Sentinel stared at him, frowning in thought. "Darwin."

The Hippie shook his head.

"Chief?"

"No."

"Shecky?"

"What?"

"Shorteyes?"

"Hey!" protested the Hippie indignantly.

"Guppy?"

The Hippie gaped at him. At a loss, the Sentinel looked around at his friends for help.

"Hairboy?"

"Lambchop?"

"Sandy?"

"Jim!"

"You're Jim?'

"No, just - just look at the card I gave you, ok?"

Jim looked. "Blair Sandburg."

"Yes!" Blair punched the air.

"It could be a fake name," said Jim doubtfully. The first time we met, you called yourself Doctor McKay."

"It's my real name," Blair assured him wearily. The Sentinel looked vaguely disappointed.

"What?!"

"I like Chief," he said in a small voice.

"All right, you can call me Chief," sighed the Hippie.

"Then I must give you the cat!"

"Mhraow!"

Inspiration struck the Hippie, and he pushed the panther back into the Sentinel's arms. "Jim, you keep your cat, and in exchange, give me your friendship."

And so the Hippie and the Sentinel were friends from then on.

****

THE END


End file.
